FAT JOKE MAY FALL FLAT

1. That's what might happen to the new movie, Shallow Hal, where Gwyneth Paltrow plays an overweight woman that actor Jack Black falls for. The Farrelly brothers filmmakers say it's about inner beauty but people like Carnie Wilson say it's an insult to overweight people and insensitive. We'll see what it brings in at the box. (Does Carney have a stomach left?)
2. Does Virginia governor-elect Mark Warner lighten his hair? Everyone else on TV does and God knows he's been on the tube enough in all those campaign ads.
3. This spring ABC will mark the 50th anniversary of American Bandstand with a 2-hour prime time special hosted by Dick Clark, now 71. And my, how the time does fly.
4. ROAD KILL. All over the place on the way down and back from the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia last weekend. Mostly deer. Road's bloody.
5. WE LOVE YOUUUUU. That's what Michael Jackson kept shouting at the finale of the United We Stand concert. He loves everybody all the time. That's all he ever says.
6. THIS TOO: In the intro to the TV Guide Q&A on its Jackson cover story, the writers (Mary Murphy and Jennifer Graham) said that his son, Prince Michael Jackson who's 4, had dark hair that's bleached. And who's responsible for that?
7. The headlines for that 3.5 inch cockroach fossil found that supposedly lived 300 million years ago said it lived in Ohio. Like Ohio existed back then.
8. WHAT TIME? Kabul, Afghanistan is 8 1/2 hours ahead of east coast time. How can a time zone be 1/2? I thought they were all in whole numbers.
9. PICKING A NIT. The Monsters, Inc. movie title logo has what looks like a CBS eye in the "M" in Monsters. It's a more narrow one than the familiar television network's but it does look like their symbol. And Monsters is a Disney film and they own ABC. Anybody think about that?
10. Geraldo's leaving NBC for Fox News Channel. Good. They're a good "network" for him.
11. Regarding that picture of the Afghan girl with those "haunting," piercing green eyes on the cover of National Geographic magazine's 100 Best Pictures Issue, Mr. Big Stuff asked if she was wearing contacts for the photo shoot.
12. Donald Rumsfeld's eyes and mouth look all squinted up when he holds those press conferences at the Pentagon. Maybe the lights are too bright for him.
13. . . . He does have some nice rows of even teeth going on though.
14. So do we like Elizabeth Vargas' curlycue hairstyle she was donning on board the USS Roosevelt in the Arabian Sea on Friday's Good Morning America?
15. Whoopi Goldberg's dreds looked more neatly coiffed on the I Love Lucy 50th Anniversary Special. They were more extension-ish. And Cher's blonde now. A brighter look for her. Doesn't look bad. And Roseanne too, but her's ain't as nice as the former Mrs. Bono's.
16. And how much dye does Wayne Newton go through in a year for that hair?
17. THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE: Definitely film-noirish and well done cinematically. But pacing-wise ... snail slow. Obviously intentional, but too sluggish for my taste. There's humor in it too but the whole thing's just a stylish silly story. Money could've been better spent. And don't tell me how great the Coen brothers are.
18. LEAVING. Bobbie Battista got teary-eyed at the end of her TalkBack Live CNN program when she said it was her last show. She plans on doing media training with political figures, corporate execs and newscasters. Older is out and younger is in at that network.
19. . . . Joie Chen's doing the show now and acts a little too pumped up. Seems like she's yelling all the time. Too much energy. Needs to be muzzled.
20. When Dennis Franz (NYPD Blue) gets mad he looks like he smelled something bad.
21. RIGHT ON! to author Jonathan Franzen (The Corrections) for not succumbing to Oprah Winfrey's Book Club. It's good somebody has the guts to say no to her once in a while.
22. . . . And how much of a wig was she wearing on the cover of her November O magazine? Looked silly. Oprah this way. Oprah that way. Oprah every which way but loose.
23. LOOKS NICE. The new Live Online logo banner that runs daily in The Washington Post Style section for its internet discussion program schedule. Sort of retro radio wave-ish with a satellite transmission flavor. Whaat?
24. Is it Ludwig van or von Beethoven? The girl in Man Who Wasn't There says von. Is she right?
25. Monsters, Inc. ain't no Toy Story.
26. 2001's coming back. It's always coming back.
27. It's nice to get away from it all and take a walk through the woods in Rock Creek Park on a beautiful weekend day. But of course a woman passes by and is on her cell phone. Doesn't that just about defeat the whole purpose of a peaceful, get-away-from-it-all activity?
28. WHERE'D THEY GO? Try finding a trash can in D.C.'s Metro now. You can't. They've taken ‘em all out, supposedly to encourage people from not eating and and drinking and causing litter. This Just In: They took ‘em away because of security concerns, says a Metro worker.
29. I thought the upcoming movie, Oceans 11, was about a submarine.
30. The woman wincing and holding her stomach in that Mylanta ad looks like a heavy Meryl Streep.
31. Tiger Woods looks like Puff Diddy, er ... P. Diddy, that is, with a mustache and a goatee now.
32. We Americans are using mules and donkeys to haul around gear in Afghanistan. What's the difference between a mule and a donkey?
33. Does British Prime Minister Tony Blair own the Blair House across from the White House? Just asking.
34. What would Barbra Streisand look like if someone pulled that hair back?
35. Al-Brassiera, er ... Jazeera, is the Afghan satellite television network.
36. Vince Gill said this to little boy singer Billy Gilman on last week's Country Music Association Awards show: "I've got underwear older than your parents." It bombed.
37. Fox's Twenty Four (24) was good even though it came in 4th and they don't use a hyphen.
38. UH . . . Twenty-Five Miles - Edwin Starr on Gordy. 1969

rocci@roccifisch.com

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