August 19, 2012

 

WHO DOES DAVID BECKHAM THINK HE IS?

  1. . . . The soccer player is underwear modeling for H&M, sporting his David Beckham Bodywear briefs, longjohns and tank tops  (along with his many tattoos) in print ads and on TV.
  2. . . . Half-naked.
  3. . . . In your face.
  4. . . . And they’ve erected 10-foot high statues of him wearing it all over New York City.
  5. . . . The ads are pretty explicit in showing what he’s packing “down there.”
  6. . . . Exhibiting his manhood.
  7. . . . It looks enhanced and over-stuffed.
  8. . . . By George, he’s a modern-day Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg).
  9. . . . But Beckham said, in a video ad talking about his product, “Everything you see in the items is 100% me.
  10. . . . A woman from a Manhattan marketing firm said it “looks like an alien porn shot, and you’re thinking, ‘Is that all him?’”
  11. . . . What, does he think he’s Michelangelo’s “David” statue?
  12. . . .  He’s a family man. Why’s he doing this?
  13. . . . The New York Post wrote about it in their “Pulse” article and called it the “Battle of the Bulge.”
  14. . . . He was quoted as saying that “soccer fame tempers but entertainment and celebrity fame can be maintained.”
  15. . . . He’s diversifying his career.
  16. . . . And Michael Phelps is seen sprawled back in a bathtub with his Speedo and goggles on in a controversial ad for Louis Vuitton, with one of the designer’s bags on the floor by the tub with a pair of blue jeans and sunglasses in it.
  17. . . . Of course the pix were shot by the famous portrait photographer Annie Liebowitz. She’s always getting people to do things.
  18. . . . Some say this ad’s a bit explicit too.
  19. . . . Rumors are that he broke Olympic rules by advertising non-Olympic products between the dates of July 18 and August 15.
  20. . . . Speculation is that theoretically his medals could be taken away for the violation but that’s not gonna happen.
  21. Helen Gurley Brown called herself a “hillbilly and a “mouseburger” (plain Jane) when she was coming up.
  22. . . . “The Sex and the Single Girl” author and editor of Cosmopolitan (Cosmo) magazine was referring to her humble beginnings in Green Forest, Ark.
  23. . . . She couldn’t see herself staying in the Ozarks and said, “I never liked the looks of the life that was programmed for me – ordinary, hillbilly and poor.”
  24. . . . So she beat the hell outta there and rose to the top of the magazine advice business.
  25. They had a texting contest in New York earlier this month and 17-year-old Austin Wierschke from Rhinelander, Wisc., won the $50,000 championship in the sixth annual LG Mobile contest.
  26. . . . He texted 149 words in 30 seconds.
  27. . . . He said he could text while still looking both ways crossing the street.
  28. . . . Gee, what a skill. Let me run over him anyway.
  29. LIKE A NON-STICK PAN. Yahoo Sports reports that the reason why women volleyball players at the Olympics didn’t’ get sand on their bodies and in their tight, tight bikinis is because it is designed not to and regulated by the International Volleyball Federation.
  30. . . . “No pebbles or bits of shells in this sand. A smoother grain,” the experts say.
  31.  . . . “The size (of the grains) is Goldilocks style: not too small or too big.”
  32. . . . It’s a wonder it doesn’t stick to all that spray tan they seem to have on.
  33. . . . AND JUST ASKING. Why are the women all skimped up while the male players aren’t?
  34. . . . The guys wear normal shorts and tops and aren’t all sexed up-looking.
  35. “Brenda in New Mexico” wrote to “Hints from Heloise” that she has a dog with incontinence problems who needs to wear a diaper.
  36. . . . Brenda saves money by buying regular baby diapers instead of the ones specifically designed for pets.
  37. . . . She said she gets more bang for the buck and all she has to do is cut a small hole in it for the doggie’s tail.
  38. . . . How lucky Fido is. What a good life.
  39. REVEALING SECRET. Sofia Vergara, star of ABC’s “Modern Family,” tells Allure magazine she absolutely has to wear a bra due to her size.
  40. . . . She also says that her “ass gets smaller and my boobs get smaller” if she doesn’t keep her ideal weight of 130 pounds.
  41. . . . “I don’t mind when the boobs get smaller. I don’t like it when the ass gets smaller. In Latin America – she’s from Colombia – if you don’t have a big ass, you’re nothing.”
  42. “I . . . I Who Have Nothing.” Ben E. King, on ATCO Records (1963).
  43. THE POPULARITY OF HEAD-BUTTING. Wide receiver Chad “Ochocino” Johnson was arrested after allegedly head-butting his wife, “Basketball Wives” star Evelyn Lozado, while arguing about a receipt for condoms.
  44. . . . Wonder how that conversation went.
  45. . . . And GMA weekend anchor Dan Harris head-butted a lion at a wild animal preserve, although he promoted the upcoming feature piece by saying, “How my head wound up in the mouth of a lion” at a wild animal preserve.
  46. . . . Nothing went wrong.
  47. . . . How entertaining do these “news” anchors have to be? How many adventures do they have to go on?
  48. . . . It’s like every weekend when Today show host Jenna Wolf takes some kind of fitness class or puts herself in some kind of challenging endeavor.
  49. . . . Doesn’t she have anything else to do?
  50. DRAGGING MOM ALONG. That’s what Romney’s VP partner Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) did over the weekend.
  51. . . . Sonny boy arrived at the rally holding his mother’s hand and she seemed to like the spotlight, smiling and waving to the assembled multitudes.
  52. . . . He took her (Betty Ryan Douglas) to Florida to spout his Medicare position, saying it was “there for my family, for my grandma (nanna?) when we needed it. And Medicare is there for my mom when she needs it now, and we have to keep that guarantee.”
  53. . . . He said in order to save Medicare, “you have to reform it for my generation, so it doesn’t go bankrupt.”
  54. . . . I’m sure mommy was happy, grateful and proud of her son.
  55. . . . STYLIN’. He had on a finely striped blue Polo-type shirt, sporty.
  56. . . . He looked good in his flat-front khakis – no old man pleats for this eager beaver.
  57. . . . ADVICE. He shouldn’t wear stripes if he’s gonna be on television.
  58. . . . They cause what they call a moiré effect, a busy pattern caused by a particular weave or pattern that drives the TV cameras wild; electronically they have a hard time processing it.
  59. . . . The effect – also called strobing -- is that the clothing seems to vibrate. It’s disconcerting.
  60. . . . That’s whyTV newscasters and other professionals are advised not to wear detailed ties or shirts or jackets. Solid colors please.
  61. . . . To continue, Ryan also wears checkered button-down sport shirts (red, blue, preppy).
  62. . . . His arms have definition, look taut.
  63. . . . He’s got some medium-sized pecs showing through that shirt. He’s in shape and looks trim and fit.
  64. . . . I guess it’s because he does the Tony Horton P90X workout. No fooling with that.
  65. . . . And he likes to go “noodling” (catching catfish with his bare hands in muddy water) like they do on that “Hillbilly Handfishin’” reality show.
  66. . . . UH . . . Too Many Fish in the Sea – The (Marvelous) Marvelettes, on Tamla Records (Motown), 1964.


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