DISCOUNT CASKETS ON THE INTERNET

1. That's what USA TODAY says baby boomers are ordering now. (There was actually a Death Care World Expo in Reno this past weekend. They say the face of the funeral industry's changing.)
2. . . . Don't get too discount on me. And don't order it during peak buying times. I don't wanna have to wait forever in some cold lockup while my final resting place arrives in the mail. Ha Ha Ha.
3. EASTWOOD MOVIE: True Crime. He plays a rough-lifed newspaper reporter who's assigned to cover an execution, but he thinks the guy's innocent, and he stumbles on clues. The whole movie's time frame is twelve hours. The clock ticks. Eastwood's likable, but the film's pretty standard and overly predictable.
4. There are 5.3 million horses in the United States. That from Peter Jennings on World News Tonight. Thanks for the stat.
5. WHERE'S DC'S CHINATOWN GONNA BE? A deal's just gone through that'll transform Gallery Place/Chinatown – where it is on the Metro – into a 400,000 foot retail/entertainment complex. It's all happening because of the MCI Center. There goes the little guy again.
6. . . . BUT . . . There's one holdout: The Hunan Chinatown restaurant. They're staying – at least for awhile. Owner Linda Lee wants to "hang around a little longer." Good, get more money.
7. DID JESUS EAT MEAT? The PETA folks say he didn't, and is urging more people not to, by introducing a $1 million ad campaign – billboard posters that say, Jesus Was A Vegetarian. Show respect for God's creatures – follow Him.
8. . . . Jesus Is Just Alright With Me ...
9. Are people buying that special People twenty-five year magazine? Seems too much to go through and costs too much.
10. I sing, I Won't Be There everytime I hear Blockbuster's I'll Be There ad.
11. Tom Cruise really smooches up Nicole Kidman in that preview for Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut upcoming movie. She seems bored; he seems a bit overzealous and not really sensuous. A little in need. (Both are buck-naked, but married.)
12. The previews for that Keanu Reeves' Matrix movie look fantastic.
13. Fox Files is setting new low standards for news magazine shows. Every piece is like a chase.
14. . . . Like a pitt bull, Debbie won't back down. The judge gave him 60 days in the poky. Intersperse amateur video, gunshots, rap and hip-hop music, and cameras moving all over the place – that's their formula. They even pop in the show's title during their pieces, so it's like an internal promo while you're being informed.
15. Matthew McConaughey doesn't look good with all his hair cut off.
16. IRONED OUT THE KINKS? The Washington Post's color is much better now.
17. Elizabeth Dole's over-precise.
18. Did 60 Minutes' Don Hewitt and Mike Wallace really talk dirty to Barbara Walters after her Monica interview so she'd know what it was all about? What'd they say?
19. MSNBC's feeling the crunch of Fox News Channel. REPORTEDLY GONE: From daytime, Edie Magnus and Ed Gordon.
20. The Iowa Caucuses are February 7. Isn't that too early to think about now?
21. Former Charlie's Angel Kate Jackson's brown hair looks dyed in those Just 5 hair color commercials.
22. I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF. One of the latest things – huffing – kids are doing now. Inhaling, sniffing anything in a spray can that has chemicals to make you high. Dangerous.
23. Does Tony Bennett's singing daughter Antonia sound like him? That would be weird.
24. Matthew Broderick's always got something going on. Always in play, a movie. Must have a good agent.
25. MARKIE MARK BACK. As the actor, Mark Wahlberg, in The Corruptor. He's partnered with Chow Yun Fat to bust crime and violence in New York's Chinatown. Everyone's talking about how good Fat is. Wahlberg is just there. Extremely violent, hard-hitting, ear-splitting movie. Excessive.
26. . . . In Boogie Nights, you saw Wahlberg's ... uh, penis. In Corruptor, you see his buttocks while he's reclined, receiving a massage from an Asian lovely. The former was reportedly prosthetic, and the latter could be a stunt double – not sure. I guess in his movies there's always some body part to look for.
27. QUOTE: "Thank you! Now, I am lost. I am so full of joy, every organ in my body is moving in a dangerous direction." Roberto Benigni (Life Is Beautiful) said it. Sounds like dialogue from one of those B-grade foreign movies with dubbed-in voices they used to make fun of on Saturday Night Live.
28. A press release says that Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott invented the paper clip, in response to Al Gore saying on CNN that he started the internet.
29. Dynasty's – anybody remember that show now? – Jack Coleman (played Stephen) was in CBS' TV movie Replacing Dad, with Mary McDonnell last night. Was she the mousse-haired Native American girl in Dances With Wolves?
30. Some New York papers have been running unflattering pictures of Rosie O'Donnell, it seems, since her show didn't give a Georgia high school marching band a guest shot.
31. So when's the article in George coming out about Mike Tyson? Did JFK, Jr. just go see him in jail to say hi?
32. . . . Jr. works his mag.
33. Is Joan Rivers' pre-Oscar show funny? She's there on the runway for E! Entertainment with daughter Melissa, cutting up what people are wearing and how they look with searing remarks and insults. This year, however, her style's being cramped a bit by ABC, which has its own pre- show with Geena Davis. Joan'll have to move over a bit for Geena.
34. New Mayor Anthony Williams is kicking butt in DC. He's fiscal.
35. TOUSLED HAIR/BEARDED FACE. That's the artist/musician/composer John Tesh now. He's ditched his former Entertainment Tonight co-anchor clean-cut Ken and Barbie image.
36. . . . I still say he's Yanni-ish. (Stealing his audience?)
37. Tom Brokaw sometimes says dumb things.
38. Larry King's new son, Chance Armstrong King, will have his picture taken with Nancy Reagan in the next couple weeks. And how many other famous people will the kid be plopped down with? You'd think the kid was the Dalai Lama or something.
39. Joe DiMaggio looked like my Uncle Pippy Fisch in Havre de Grace, Maryland.
40. I'd rather not think Mars has a happy face on it.
41. COULD WE HEAR? Donna Shalala scream loud? Too bad that wasn't recorded.
42. Are you Gwyneth Paltrowed out?
43. RECURRING CHARACTER: Vas, who knows a lot about movies. The film feline isn't that impressed with what the new Star Wars movie looks like. Says the special effects aren't that great now and doubts George Lucas can do anything to eye-pop you. (Eye-pop. I'll buy that.)
44. . . . And how many times did we see that preview last week? And how many TV shows said they were showing it first? Universal gave it to everyone – no exclusivity.
45. You almost felt as sorry for Monica Lewinsky in London last week as you did for Betty Currie when she was hounded down.
46. UH . . . Betty Lou Got A New Pair Of Shoes – Bobby Freeman, on Josie from 1958. His follow-up to Do You Want To Dance.

rocci@roccifisch.com

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