WHOOPI GOLDBERG'S LACTOSE-INTOLERANT

1. . . . But she still wears a milk mustache in an ad for the "got milk" campaign, on the opposite page of TV Guide's All About Oscar Night article. (Lactose-free milk.)
2. . . . She looked like she took a milk bath in that Queen Elizabeth white-faced makeup getup.
3. OVER THE TOP TOPPED: Roberto Benigni was this year's Cuba Gooding, Jr.
4. . . . Actually, he was over the seats.
5. I HAD TO LOOK TWICE. Celine Dion looked like she almost didn't have anything on from the waist down, talking on the Barbara Walters Special. Like she was sitting there in a pair of flesh-colored pantyhose or something. LATER: She looked like Robin Hood in that floppy hat.
6. Susan Sarandon has this philosophy of life: "The more mistakes you make, the better."
7. Walters said this in her introduction of now platinum-haired Elizabeth Taylor: "Her films are not the center of this Elizabethan stage." Clever or corny?
8. Also, Liz Taylor found out she has a round head instead of it being flat in the back, since her brain tumor removal. She was happy. (They shaved her head for the operation.)
9. . . . And she got up and proved she could walk normal for Dr. Walters and actually shook her booty. Liz got a kick out of that. Barbara went on to the next subject.
10. SURPRISING. The opening for the pre-Oscars show was full of old clips. Looked dated.
11. Helen Hunt looked like a twelve-year old Jodie Foster. A cross-eyed raccoon with all that guck on her eyes. She doesn't usually wear that much. Who got hold of her?
12. Lynne Redgrave looked like Ivana Trump.
13. Geena Davis narrated the pre-show fashion segment like it was a documentary for the Discovery Channel.
14. Co-host Jim Moret was nice and low-key, but didn't seem right for the job.
15. . . . They say Jim's father is singer/actor James Darren. He sang Goodbye Cruel World back in 1961 and was Moondoggie in the Gidget movies.
16. ON TO THE MAIN SHOW . . .
17. The stage microphone came up out of the floor like a periscope.
18. HEARD THESE WORDS ENOUGH?: Courage, commitment, guts.
19. Whoopi changed her clothes a lot, dressing like they did in the nominated films. But it wasn't that funny. Forced sight gags, that's all.
20. . . . Who thought up that concept? Whoopi's funny being herself-natural and spontaneous. She doesn't have to re-invent Billy Crystal concepts.
21. The show was poorly directed. Those screens took too long to come down to show you something.
22. Somebody must've thrown a bucket of glue on Gwyneth Paltrow's head. Her hair was shiny like Alfalfa's.
23. Dame Judi Dench got an Academy Award for eight minutes' work. Brenda Blethyn should've won for her older tart role in Little Voice.
24. NOWHERE IN SIGHT: Joseph Fiennes wasn't. All this talk all night about Shakespeare and he was the one who played him in the movie. We're tired of hearing about Gwyn. Get Joe.
25. James Coburn rattled on a bit too much in his acceptance speech, but he played a good drunk on film. (Affliction)
26. MUSIC TO MY EARS: I wish my name was Roberto. I'd let Sophia Loren call me anytime.
27. Martin Scorsese should trim his eyebrows.
28. . . . And was Robert DeNiro's hair cut that way because of some role he's working on now? Wonder what that's gonna be? (Looked punky/pre-skinheady.)
29. Of course the song from Prince of Egypt won for Best Song. It was Disney.
30. . . . Did Mariah Carey put on weight or did Whitney Houston lose some? The contrast was striking. (They sounded good, even though When You Believe is just another animated film generic power ballad.) Heard that ...
31. The only controversy noticed inside the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion about Elia Kazan was in the audience. Some stood up and applauded; some sat down and applauded; and some just sat. At the end of winning Lifetime Achievement, he checked with his wife to see if that was all he needed to say, and then said he'd just slip away.
32. . . . Outside it was something else. Protestors and signs. They were mad.
33. Benigni seems like a Marx Brother.
34. THE OVER-SERIOUSNESS OF . . . Saving Private Ryan.
35. Isn't it about time Ben Affleck and Matt Damon became separated?
36. GOOD SHOT: Of Lynn Redgrave, Ian McKellen, and Brendan Fraser, the stars of Gods and Monsters, leaning together listening to and happy for Bill Condon, who won for Best Adapted Screenplay.
37. Are there 5000 or 6000 members of the Academy who vote?
38. BUSINESSMAN/DEALMAKER: Miramax's Harvey Weinstein. You can tell it.
39. DEBBIE ALLEN: Is she out of a job? (Should be.)
40. . . . HAD IT WITH . . . Any kind of interpretive dance at the Oscars. Ridiculous. They could've at least run film clips behind the dancers so you'd know which film they were doing. Would've been more visual for TV.
41. Billy Bob Thornton looks good blond.
42. REMEMBERED: Cher was really funny in Norman Jewison's Moonstruck movie. His work was the victim of another scrappy "retrospective."
43. . . . And the Frank Sinatra Tribute was mediocre and ended abruptly.
44. Wonder if they fired the audio person for the mike that didn't work for Anne Heche? That must've been fun in the control room.
45. It was nice of Whoopi to remember Gene Siskel. They could've done some little segment on him though. But then again, it probably would've been awful, like all the others.
46. HAPPY TRAILS . . . To all the cowboys in those great old serials. (And Val Kilmer's lucky that Trigger look-a-like Roy Rogers horse didn't take a _ _ _ _ on stage. He seemed restless.)
47. Tom Hanks looks awful with that full beard. At least he could trim it a bit. (Is that why he lost?)
48. Sam Donaldson liked Shakespeare in Love, especially the boat scene. George Stephanopoulos thought Ian McKellen was great and should win for Gods and Monsters. And George Will favored Ryan. They said so Sunday morning on This Week. (Don't know what Cokie Roberts' favorite was.)
49. CRUEL: Think Gwyneth Paltrow's a cry baby?
50. Are the Oscars named after Oscar de la Renta? Ha Ha Ha.

rocci@roccifisch.com

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